Freedom of Religion: Victory in the War on Terror

Ideological warfare is political in nature and just doesn’t work. Prohibition (the War on Alcohol) is universally acknowledged to have been a failure. The War on Drugs is a hugely expensive failure, although it is still being pursued for political reasons. The War on Terror is very likely going to have a similar future. Heck, we can’t even come up with a useful definition of “Terrorism.” Used to be we defined terrorism as attacking a civilian population in order to terrify it (just that– make people afraid), creating pressure on that population’s government to do one thing or another in the interests of the “terrorists.”

SG will have more to say about ideological wars later, but the point for the moment is this: an ideological war is very popular with a population as a whole, because People Want to Believe!

All religious wars are ideological wars, and to the extent that most of the “visible” terrorists are Muslims, it is reasonable to suggest that we in the US are conducting a religious war against a group of people (fanatics, a very small part of a major religion) who are conducting a religious war against us. It’s time to fight fire with fire.

Here in the United States we pay a bit more than lip service to “Freedom of Religion.” As a result, we have some home-grown religions that feature some very strange beliefs. Some are stranger than others, but we are all free to practice our religions in any way we choose, so long as we don’t practice them on other people. And yes, we also have freedom FROM religion. at least since the 1950’s.

To a non-Mormon, many Mormon beliefs are pretty strange. Like the notion that only baptized Mormons will go to heaven. If you weren’t born a Mormon, the odds are pretty good that your parents and grandparents weren’t baptized as Mormons, so you won’t be meeting them someday in Heaven. But wait… the Mormons have a ritual whereby a “proxy baptism” can be conducted on behalf of the dead. That’s right, posthumous baptism. Evidently they have been conducting thousands of posthumous proxy baptisms so that they can be reunited with their ancestors in Heaven someday. SG doesn’t know enough about Mormon theology to speculate where all these dead souls have been hanging out in the mean time, but it seems that a lot of them are registered to vote in Florida.

Most religions have very strict criteria for the admission of souls into Heaven, most believe that when you die, it’s Game Over and your eternal change of address depends on things you did or didn’t do while you were alive. The Mormons believe in a second chance.

To us, the practice of posthumous baptism seems strange but harmless. Or at any rate harmless until they baptize the wrong dead guy. Evidently a whole bunch of dead Jewish people got baptized, and at least one Jewish organization is pretty upset about it– to the point of suing the Mormon Church. This story has been going on for a couple years now, with the Mormons claiming it was a mistake and won’t happen again and the Jews claiming it is an ongoing practice.

SG does think it passing strange, this idea that you can be baptized into a different religion after you die. But we think it is equally strange that a Jewish organization is worried about it! Do they believe it too?

Muslims have some beliefs that seem very strange to us. The fanatics who are blowing themselves up in terrorist attacks believe that if they die as a martyr they will go straight to Paradise, where they will enjoy the favors of 72 virgins. If you look at the lives they have led in this world, you can see the attraction. After all, the main purpose of most religions is to promise a better life after this one. The Mormons and the Jews do it, the Catholics do it, the Hindus do it. Only the Muslims have this short-cut where you can go straight to Paradise without passing Go. These guys are MOTIVATED.

Now, it seems to SG that if you take away the motivation for terrorist acts, you will stop them in their tracks. So here’s our MODEST PROPOSAL:

Bring the troops back from Iraq, and pull all the fat no-bid contracts from Halliburton. That will save us about, umm… several jillion dollars. We use part of the savings to distribute leaflets all over the Middle East warning potential martyrs that their self-sacrifice is going to be in vain. Because we’re going to get the Mormons to posthumously baptize their asses.


What do you think? Please enter a comment below.

2 Responses to “Freedom of Religion: Victory in the War on Terror”

  1. Bob Says:

    ROFPMP Good stuff! Keep it up!

  2. George B. Says:

    Can’t tell you who I really am ’cause of the National Security. But this looks like a real good strategery and I’m gonna ask Cheney, I mean a friend of mine, if I can do it.

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